heart-filled worship

Church has had its ups and downs for me throughout my time in Honduras. When I lived with my host family I felt obligated to attend a certain church and its ridiculously intensive weekly schedule of services.

Then there is the infamous church retreat that I posted about a few months ago that was very stressful in its own right, and left me pretty bitter about the way people are coerced into church attendance and spiritual experiences.

I often drag myself to services, without having my heart in the right place. Sometimes, if I humble myself enough to let go all of the distractions, frustrations and "different" ways of doing things, I am able to free myself to worship and learn something.

When I was home a few weeks ago, it was rejuvenating for me to attend my church in PA and worship in English, even sing songs that were new to me but had words projected so I could sing along. I felt at home in my pew, soaking it all in and even sharing in communion with my church community (something I rarely experience here in Santa Rosa).

But what I have slowly come to learn through all of these struggles--to find church community, find moments of worship and refreshment when sometimes all I want to do is run out of the church doors and crawl into my bed--is that it all depends on my attitude and my willingness to lay those frustrations and criticisms aside. I have to allow myself to be moved into a place where I can worship and appreciate the community I am part of for what it is.

A few months ago I was talked into practicing with and joining the worship team at my church in Santa Rosa. I had been resisting for awhile, but finally realized that not being involved in anything musical was a real void in my life here in Honduras, and maybe reason for feeling a void in my spiritual life. I have always loved music and find myself most connected to worship experiences through music.

It has not been easy, and I still wonder some days what I am doing, but I am enjoying the new challenge of it, and a new perspective on the church--literally (from the front platform) and figuratively. Leading others in worship has challenged me to consider where my heart is and how my own state of mind affects the ministry I am apart of. I am hopeful that this change will help me to have a more healthy perspective on the church and continue to teach me about a heart of worship.

the retreat to end all retreats

A few weeks I was invited to attend my church's women's reatreat. Growing up in the church, I had my share of "church retreat" experiences. From camps and conferences to youth and women's gatherings, I thought I had pretty much seen it all. Even since living in Honduras, I have had several youth retreat experiences and was pretty sure a women's retreat with the mennonite church in Santa Rosa was nothing I couldn't handle.

I can't actually imagine that I could have been more wrong.

It was...out of control. It was frustrating. It was moving. It was an intense 3 days, like nothing else I have experienced in my Honduran experience thus far.

First of all, I thought a women's retreat was for all the women of the church. What I learned is that women attend the retreat once and are good for life...once you have had your "retreat" experience you only go back to serve instead of receive. It is a chance to invite your un-churched, heathen friends to help them get their lives back on track.

So we started around 5:30 pm on Friday evening with 4 plenary sessions. By the time those were over, we were divided into 2 groups, had to come up with a "chant" for our group, and were forced to turn in our cell-phones. I was not a happy camper.

Then we got on a bus and headed to the chuch retreat center about 30 minutes outside of Santa Rosa. Once there, we had another plenary session or 2 (they all run together) and finally ate dinner around 9:30. We had more sessions after dinner with intense prayer times where most women were prayed over and slain in the spirit.

Late nights...early mornings...didn't even have a clock to know what time it was, which maybe helped. We had more plenaries in the morning, including a very long one from my boss, Ruth. After another time of prayer, tears, and much fainting, we had a time of worship where we were all required to dance around and sing about how free we were.

The afternoon included a session on dating, saving sex for marriage, and even a wedding! Little did I know things were just getting started. We had more sessions, more singing and dancing, all leading up to the evening dinner which was meant to be like a honduran quinceanera or what we would think of as a Sweet 16 party. All the women were honored, those who did celebrate their special birthday, and those who did not. We even danced with the birthay court, rocked in the rocking chair, and received our wedding rings to remind us of our purity covenant with God.

Then, on Sunday morning I was rudely awoken by the loudest music I have heard in very very long time, vey close to my head. I am not a morning person, and this did not amuse me in the least. What I thought was a prank from the youth group boys on night-watch turned out to be an intentional 4 am serenade to make us "feel like princesses." Let's just say that message was lost on me. In my kingdom, no one should wake me up before 7am.

So, that got my day off to a pretty bad start. Add to that not being able to go anywhere alone (yes, even accompanied to the bathroom), no down time from start to finish, continual bombardment with worship practices that are not familiar or comfortable to me and by Sunday afternoon I was done with this retreat. But, I still had to get through the last sessions on prophetic words for our lives, a bus ride back to town, singing most of the way, a rowdy welcome back to the church with a human tunnel, much dancing and balloon-popping, and being forced to share a testimony.

It is hard for me to adequately express how I felt after this whole weekend...I did enjoy some parts of it, and there were some good moments. The other women at the retreat were unique and interesting and we did develop friendships. Moreover, it is good to take time out of the normal routine to spend time with God, talking to Him and listening for his direction.

But I was frustrated by so very many things. For one, I do not like being followed around and forced to be with people 24-7. I am an extrovert, but I need my alone time (especially in the bathroom).

Secondly, I have adjusted to deep immersion in Honduran culture since I arrived, but I always need time to process what I'm learning/seeing/doing. Whether it is time alone to journal, a convo with my fellow ex-pats, or a sarcastic text to my BFF in Teguc...I need it! It keeps me sane. And most Hondurans do not understand this or know how to deal with my sharp tongue (I prefer sarcastic wit, but I digress).

Through it all, it is necessary to step back and look at this experience with a broader perspective. Church traditions are as complex as the culture they are wrapped up in, creating the diverse flavors of Christianity we find the world over. I am confident that my own church traditions would be equally intimidating/uncomfortable/puzzling for many of my Honduran friends.

And so I have to appreciate these experiences for what they are, taking advantage of the chance to get to know another culture more intimately, to learn more about myself, and to explore how I see God working in the not-so-familiar. While I don't relish the thought of another church retreat, I have to add it to my growing list of stretching experiences as I learn to appreciate the positive moments in spite of others that may drive me crazy!

blessed are...

[my blog post was featured on the MCC Latin American Advocacy blog! Same post, but with some fancy artwork. Interesting blog too]

Blessed are those who mourn,
   for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
   for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
   for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
   for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
   for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
   for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Sometimes there are no other words to express all the feelings that well up inside me. And even at times, these words that have been passed down to generation after generation of believers still feel insufficient.

It has been a long week...and one with a lot of questions. Why does God allow terrible things to happen? Why do God-fearing, God-following people suffer and those who don't follow Christ not seem to suffer at all? How can I provide comfort to people who understand the reality of injustice much more than I ever can?

How can we as Christians who talk and talk and talk about justice make any kind of change in a dangerous and violent society where people are too afraid to speak out?

This week took a shocking turn for my church family in Santa Rosa when one of our brothers was brutally killed after preaching at another church a few minutes outside of town. This man was a well-respected member of our church, always humble and caring, always with a smile and a joking word. He was also a mentor within the youth group and will be greatly missed as a father-figure for many kids, not just his own.

Although it has not been easy, it has been a privilege to be part of this church community and share in their pain this week. To walk along side them and share in the grieving process has taught me a lot already and continues to stretch me in my relationships with friends and in my faith.

When faced with situations of injustice and pain, my first reaction is often one of anger and frustration. Then I think, "ok, but what are we going to DO about it?" Taking action feels like the only correct response, and if I'm not actively pursuing something, then I'm not doing enough. But perhaps we need a change in our thinking. To allow ourselves the freedom to be still for a moment (or two), to mourn, weep, question, beat our chest and dwell in the tragedy and pain. 

It was only in reading the thoughts of others that I was able to allow myself this space for lament and mourning:

The antiquated notion of lamentation points us in a direction opposite to our contemporary impulses. We are conditioned to respond to a problem...by identifying a course of action and mustering as much resolve as possible in an effort to make a positive difference. The standard operating principles – which have their place – include effort, productive change and hope. Lamentation derails that. It provides a sacred space in which to expose our shadiest feelings. 

I need this. I can’t carry all [of this] with me. 

Lamentation is a space in which we do not need to hide or minimize these normally frowned-upon sentiments...In lament, we walk straight into the darkness, the valley of shadows, and stay there as long as necessary. 

Nancy Duff, a professor at Princeton Theological Seminary and an advocate of reviving lamentation, writes that usually “we are taught that true faith in God mitigates such intense feelings” as the ones we might express in lament. Similarly, theologian Walter Brueggemann notes the common and, in his view, unfortunate belief that good Christians do not “acknowledge and embrace negativity.” 

But the biblical lamenters – who wrote a full third of the Psalms – make an art out of our impropriety. They express desire for harsh vengeance (“Happy shall they be who take [the Babylonians’] little ones and dash them against the rock.” Ps 137:9); they make brazen accusations against God (“You [God] have renounced the covenant with your servant.” Ps 89:39); and they cry out in utter despair (“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” Ps 13:1). This is not how I was taught to pray in Sunday School. 

Lamentation even allows us to give up. Duff says it “allows us to rely on God and the community to carry forth hope on our behalf when we ourselves have no hope in us.”

 I know that my community here is NOT without hope and have already seen a vibrant strength in the midst of tragedy...but I am asking my broader community to carry forth the hope on our behalf, because sometimes even our most resilient faith can be hard to find.

[quoted text from Will Braun. full article here]

working girl

It has been awhile since I've blogged, mostly because I haven't felt like there is much to tell. I have been struggling to find my way at work, don't have much of a social life to speak of, and generally have been up and down with being sick. Exciting stuff, right?

Also, I don't have any new pictures. I really want to show you the beauty of the countryside where I've been working and show you my town, but the camera has been collecting dust of late and I'm falling behind on the photo-documentation of life.

But for all the stuff that's been getting me down, there are some bright spots. So I guess it's better to focus on that.

This week at work was our week of community visits. About every 3 weeks we visit 4 different rural communities and lead a training on various topics for the women's groups that meet. It takes about an hour on the motorcycle to get to each town, though some are a bit further than others. I do not drive the moto yet, but Oscar would like to teach me!

Our topic this week was domestic violence and how the law protects women in Honduras. Overall the visits went really well. Up to this point, I had only been to 2 of the 4 communities, but now I have met each group. The women are always gracious and hospitable and it is fun to see the personality of each group.

On Friday my coworker Oscar and I did 2 visits in one day. About 5 minutes before the training, he asked me if I wanted to lead it. I felt there weren't too many options, so I took a deep breath and said "sure!"

I was pretty nervous, but overall it went well. In fact, Oscar was convinced the women participated much more with me than they ever do when he is leading the training. I've always had my doubts about being a teacher, but everyone in the group was very affirming of my ability to lead and teach the session. I only made a few blunders with my Spanish, but it seemed to hold their attention, so I decided to make it part of my routine :)

We were at the second town by 12:30 and were able to wait out the daily rain storm at someone's house (much better than being on the moto!). I led the session again, but with a bit less participation from the crowd this time. All in all, it was a good day and I'm glad to have a some practice leading the trainings.

Although I said at the beginning that I don't have much of a social life, the church youth group has become my main social outlet. There is hang-out night on Friday evenings, youth service on Saturday night at the church, regular church service on Sunday evening and we usually go out to eat after the service. So far, they have been gracious in accepting me and inviting me along. I'm trying to take advantage of their interest while I'm still novel and interesting...it's only a matter of time before they decide I'm not really that cool ;)

So, things are moving along. It's not always easy to be living on my own, but I am slowly making friends and learning my way around, figuring things out as I go. Thank you for your prayers as I continue to settle in.

church

Church is a big part of the weekly rhythm of my host family. Especially for my host mom, Lucia. A faithful attendee of services, she is also leader of our home group and teaches in CDI. CDI is the Compassion Int'l program the church runs for children in the community who have Compassion sponsors. So…her week looks like this:

• Monday:  Prayer meeting 6pm
• Tuesday:  CDI teaching 1pm-4pm    
• Grupo de crecimiento (small group/cell group) 6:30-8pm at our house
• Wednesday: CDI teaching 1pm-4pm
• Regular service 6:30pm-8pm
• Thursday: women's meeting 2 weeks per month 6:30-8pm
• Friday: Leaders of cell groups meetings 6pm
• Sunday: Regular service 8:30am to 10:30am

This does not include weeks where she might help with church fundraisers (making and selling tamales, pupusas, or hot dogs) to support the new building project, nor the weeks she is in charge of communion (buying bread & grape soda, preparing the glasses, cleaning everything after). All in all, she is a busy church member. Not unlike the rest of the women of the church, who seem to be involved in 30 different things each week. Sometimes it wears me out just talking about all that she does.

I will admit, my church involvement looks a bit different. Usually I am home on Tuesday evenings for small group…attend Wednesday services frequently (2 or 3 per month) and also attend Sundays. I occasionally go to women’s services on Thursdays, which are enjoyable. The problem is, some days another service is just too much and I can’t make myself go. Full disclosure: I have been known to make other plans, just so I’m not in the house on Tuesday for small group. It’s bad…I know…and they know I’m a pastor’s daughter, which probably makes matters worse. But you know…even in my days as a PK, I don’t think I ever went to this many services in 1 week.

This week, I not only set a new Honduras-experience record, but a new personal record.  4 services + 1 small group meeting + 1 young adult event in 6 days. That is…a bit ridiculous by my count. But this was a special week. Our church, Iglesia Evangelica Santidad de Renovacion Integral (or, you can just call it La Santidad) was having an weekend of Evangelism services (revival meetings for the older crowd). There were special guest pastors from El Salvador who came for 3 nights of the ‘campaña’ or campaign.

All in all, I enjoyed the services and did not find them to be dull. There was plenty of loud music, liturgical dance from the 2 dance groups at the church, and the preaching definitely kept your attention. Although the services were outside in the patio area of the church, there was plenty sweat, spit and yelling (from the preachers, that is). A special stage was constructed outside for the worship team and the pulpit; we had special lighting, decorations, and of course the whole worship team was color-coordinated (very Honduran!).  The great part was there were a lot of people from the neighborhood who are not regular church attenders (the whole ideal of the campaign). I guess all the radio ads and posters really worked to get people to come.

A few things that are still a challenge for me about church (not just the special evangelism services): 

1. Social pressure: There is a ton of social pressure involved with going to church. At least, it seems this way for my family and within their congregation. You go to church 5 times a week because there are services, and people will notice who is there and who is not. There is a definite sense of duty. Much less than what I feel in the U.S. (especially among people my age).
2.  Ushers: Ushers at our church take their job very seriously. And you do not mess with them. They wear matching outfits every week (some weeks its blue, some weeks white) and they are on continual alert. The church can be packed, and the 85 year old usher lady (that I always watch work the crowd) will find you a seat in the middle of the third row, smashed between an excited worshipper and 2 small children sharing 1 seat. If the church is not packed, she will physically cajole people into moving from the back rows (of sloth and distraction) to the (more sanctified) seats up front. My 14 year old host brother has his personal experiences with this, and does not appreciate said usher  :)
3. Evangelize: I don’t really know how to describe this properly, but it feels like every sermon I hear has something to do with sin and salvation. Obviously, important topics to the Christian walk, but sometimes I get antsy to be back in my home church and find some sermons with a little more meat, or depth to them.  Usually services wrap up with an alter call, related to repentance or recommitting your life to Christ. And, there is much (perceived) social pressure to go up front for these moments.

There are other nuances of my Honduran church experiences that are just hard to put down in words.

I am grateful to be living with a Christian family, and a host mom who takes her faith very seriously. I know she prays for all of her children (including me) and regularly intercedes for us. Even though there are days where I feel like I can’t take another church service, I usually am surprised to find God speaking to me or teaching me things in new and different ways. And I guess that’s what I like most about my new church here in Suyapa. Sometimes I am only available to receive something new or different when I am uncomfortable or in a different place. It’s unfortunate that it has to be that way, but it is cool to see the ways God moves us when we are out of our comfort zone.

mennonite family

It's the first day of February! Less than 5 weeks til one of my favorite friends, Paula, comes to visit...less than 3 months til Easter week (which is a big holiday here) and about 6 more months left on my SALT term.

Over the weekend, I had the opportunity to attend a retreat for young adults in the Mennonite church of Honduras. Lucky for me, it was just outside of Teguc, so I didn't have far to travel :) A few other MCC friends went along too, which was really fun. I wasn't sure how the whole thing would go, being that I only knew 6 other people attending the retreat...but in true Mennonite fashion, we were warmly welcomed and offered plenty of hospitality as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Friday night's worship service started around 7pm and lasted til about 11:30pm. We were instructed that devotions on Saturday morning would be before breakfast, at 6am. When this announcement was received with a round of groans, we were asked "Did we come here to sleep? Or have we come here to worship the Lord together?" ...in the rather quiet auditorium, the leader then said "Can I get an amen?!" ;) Apparently youth the world over hate getting up early. Who knew?!

So Saturday started early, which had us fighting sleep the entire day. There were devotions, breakfast, worship time and then 2 workshops. For the 2nd workshop, we (the MCCers) got to share with the country-wide leadership committee of the youth about our volunteer experience with MCC. We shared a bit about what MCC does, what service programs are available, and why we serve. It seemed like many of them were not familiar with what we shared, so it was great to be able to help connect MCC with the church in that way. Especially with the rising leaders of the Mennonite church.

christmas in Honduras

As I write this I am compulsively checking the Delta Airlines website to make sure the flight is on time from Atlanta...I know that I wrote about patience the other day, but this morning might just be the longest morning of my life!! I am praying all goes well and that my parents and sister will be arriving safely at 1 pm right here in Tegucigalpa. My Honduran family seems adequately excited too (though we know communication will be a challenge!). Since I will be taking a week "off" to spend time with the family, I thought I'd post some reflections on Christmas here in my home in Honduras.

The 24th of December is the big holiday here...this meant we all slept in and were in our pajamas til about 2 or 3 pm. Trademarks of Honduran Christmas include tamales, torrejas, lots of fireworks (cohetes) and church. Here are some thoughts on each of those:
1. Tamales: major process to make a batch of tamales. You have to make enough for your family plus the relatives, plus enough to eat on both holidays, the 24 & 31. It takes most of the day, and a couple hours to cook over the fire. Since I was still working hard on the 23, I missed most of the process, but got to enjoy the "bonfire" out on our patio. It was a nice evening outside and I was having fun looking at the stars with my nephew (who has adorable, endearing moments every now and then).
I should also mention I do not love tamales, but its tradition to eat 10 or 12 during the holidays...somehow, I have made it this far only eating 1! The family is a little worried that I hate them b/c I dont eat them enough, but they keep giving me other options, so I choose to not eat tamales :)

2. Torrejas are another food related tradition, more delicious to me than tamales. Basically, you make french toast, using fluffy egg whites instead of the whole egg...than you cook a stack of bread in a delicious sweet syrup and enjoy it hot or cold. I ate this most of the evening (while avoiding tamales).

3. Fireworks are a HUGE tradition on the 24. I mean, we've been 'enjoying' them for the past month or so, always right outside the house, at all hours of the day and night...but on this night children of all ages are allowed in the street past midnight (this is really rare in our neighborhood) and they are allowed to use everything from sparklers and poppers to what I would call mortars and newspaper bombs...yeah, it gets a little crazy. around 12, one went off very close to our spectator spot and I thought I was losing my hearing...but it came back :)
They tell me it is nothing compared to the 31st....can't wait for that!

4. Church--of course, we knew all day long we had church at 6pm, but for some reason my host mom did not stop cooking food and start getting ready til 6:05...then my brother starts eating a tamale at 6:20... somehow, we made it to church by 6:35 and only missed some singing. There was lots of upbeat music, a rowdy drama, more focused on the arrest, death and resurrection of Christ than his birth (which was weird for me) and plenty of clapping and singing. It was very different from the quiet, more somber, candlelit Christmas eve services I know and love...but I guess adjusting to new cultural traditions is what this whole thing is about!

For me, this was the point in the day where I missed home the most, and was most strongly reminded that it was Christmas, and I was not with my family. But, it was a good experience in learning how others celebrate, and that the iconic things we hold as being quintessentially "Christmas" really don't matter all that much. Pretty much, it all comes down to sharing time with people you love. oh and food. I think those are the 2 common denominators world-wide :)

The other tradition I participated in is staying up really late...I mean, for me it was 2:30am, but some in my family made it til 5am...I'm usually the first in bed at 10:30 or 11, so I felt like I made a good effort.

Christmas Day was pretty quiet and relaxing. I was able to call my family to wish them a Merry Christmas (well, almost all of them :) and then enjoyed Christmas dinner with some other friends from the US, England and Denmark. What a fun way to enjoy the holiday.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas holiday, blog reader, and that you enjoy a festive New Year celebration. I will be enjoying some vacation time with my family and will fill you in on the craziness of the 31st next week.
happy merry Christmas holidays!

the honduran bachelorette...

yes, apparently I was not aware of this at the time, but instead of signing up for the SALT program, I really was signed up for a reality TV show called "Soltera Catracha"...which basically means, the bachelorette of Honduras.

While often times in the US we are defined by our work, it is much different in Honduras. Your value and association comes from your family and your marital status....lucky for me--I'm single! This means there is an unending stream of willing matchmakers.

Take my first visit to church on Wednesday evening...
The pastor noticed there was a new visitor among the flock. So of course, she had to be introduced.

My host mom stood up and told everyone who I was and what I would be doing, and that I was staying for 10 months. The congregation gave me a round of applause. Then the pastor asked "does she speak Spanish?"..."of course!" answered my host mother, happily. I started sinking lower in my seat, hoping I would not be called upon to share a sermon. Then the pastor asks me directly "Soltera o casada?" ...which means single or married. So of course, I answer "soltera"...This also receives a slight round of applause. "well, do you have a boyfriend in the United States?" he asks. "No," I respond, turning a few shades of red. (This time, quite a rousing round of applause from the church).

"Well, there are many men in Honduras, in fact many right here in this church. Don't worry, we can have you married before you leave." Then--he called on special men or "hermanos" in the church to give me a "warm welcome"...I did not have to wonder if they were single.

This is only one of several matchmaking stories, though assuredly the most public. And this is only week 1!