heart-filled worship

Church has had its ups and downs for me throughout my time in Honduras. When I lived with my host family I felt obligated to attend a certain church and its ridiculously intensive weekly schedule of services.

Then there is the infamous church retreat that I posted about a few months ago that was very stressful in its own right, and left me pretty bitter about the way people are coerced into church attendance and spiritual experiences.

I often drag myself to services, without having my heart in the right place. Sometimes, if I humble myself enough to let go all of the distractions, frustrations and "different" ways of doing things, I am able to free myself to worship and learn something.

When I was home a few weeks ago, it was rejuvenating for me to attend my church in PA and worship in English, even sing songs that were new to me but had words projected so I could sing along. I felt at home in my pew, soaking it all in and even sharing in communion with my church community (something I rarely experience here in Santa Rosa).

But what I have slowly come to learn through all of these struggles--to find church community, find moments of worship and refreshment when sometimes all I want to do is run out of the church doors and crawl into my bed--is that it all depends on my attitude and my willingness to lay those frustrations and criticisms aside. I have to allow myself to be moved into a place where I can worship and appreciate the community I am part of for what it is.

A few months ago I was talked into practicing with and joining the worship team at my church in Santa Rosa. I had been resisting for awhile, but finally realized that not being involved in anything musical was a real void in my life here in Honduras, and maybe reason for feeling a void in my spiritual life. I have always loved music and find myself most connected to worship experiences through music.

It has not been easy, and I still wonder some days what I am doing, but I am enjoying the new challenge of it, and a new perspective on the church--literally (from the front platform) and figuratively. Leading others in worship has challenged me to consider where my heart is and how my own state of mind affects the ministry I am apart of. I am hopeful that this change will help me to have a more healthy perspective on the church and continue to teach me about a heart of worship.