volunteer

Volunteer. I use this word a lot but more and more am becoming unsure if I like the definition of this word, or what images it communicates within the community where I work.

There are several things that have been stirring all these thoughts within my brain...enough that I'm not really sure if this will even be a post that makes sense or if it is just a personal way to try and organize the shuffle of thoughts that I can't seem to articulate. First there was the Mennonite youth retreat and some awkward encounters about being a volunteer...there have been some more personal experiences of my own, here in Nueva Suyapa, and the experiences of other MCCers in Honduras...and I've recently been doing a lot of reading about the good/bad/ugly of volunteerism, thanks to some fellow SALTers in other parts of the world.

So I guess the first thing is thinking about why I'm a volunteer and what that means to me.
Then looking at reasons why I try and detach myself from preconceptions of "volunteers" and what that communicates to those in my community
And in the end, why ultimately I feel criticized by all these outside voices for being a volunteer...and from my experience why I think its really not the way they think it is...or something like that.

1) My definition of being a volunteer is easily summed up by "I work and I don't get paid." But, most days, that is not sufficient. There are many layers to this definition...I am an un-paid worker in an organization, but I have also made that decision out of a desire to work with others in a way of serving...this is not just serving the community (though on good days, I hope to do that) but also about exploring the tangible ways I live a life of serving Jesus, the one who should be the foundation and inspiration for all of this.



But what I don't like about this definition is how it implies I was not trying to live a life of service before I left my known culture and "home" to come to an unknown place to learn, live and learn how to live differently. I hope that no matter what my work involves that these motives are at the center of what I'm doing.
So why did I choose to do SALT? I really like the organization (MCC) I'm working for...and I guess in a more external way I was looking for a way to gain experience in development work. I wanted to find a place where my education, interests and passion for cross-cultural learning could be useful. And yes, many have and will criticize this motive...but I wonder, if all that is wanted in the development world is experienced, educated, "professionals," where do you expect them to get this experience?
Also, I really think the work MCC is doing is very different from the work of a lot of NGOs and I love being part of that experience in Honduras. It's not about what we can do in our short years of service...many I work with acknowledge the work started long before we came and continues long after we are gone...but we try to ascertain what the community wants & needs, what local organizations can we support in getting this work done, and how we can create partnerships where we are not needed long-term. I love that.

2) So why I am fighting against this idea of being a volunteer? It's not that I don't want to be. I really do. It's more the legacy of volunteering in the community where I live...the connotations it has for people everywhere...the negative ideas it might conjure up...the kind of word that is connected with short-term, short-sighted 'help' that doesn't help at all. This is not what I want to be a part of. This is what I am afraid of becoming. This is what I spend so many hours thinking and praying about.

A lot of volunteers come for a short period of time (myself included!) and spend a lot of resources trying to be trained and learn their way around the local organization, to ultimately accomplish some kind of 'difference' in the lives of people where ever they are. And this is the problem--I'm guilty of this too! This is why I have this constant battle inside of me...am I here for selfish reasons? unrealistic goals and expectations? dealing with frustrating and challenging situations for no good reason? Should I just go back "home" and live in a culture where I can be near my family and friends and get a paying job and use my influence there? And on a more macro-level, what impact are all these volunteers having on the community where I live. Is this really a healthy situation? There certainly are needs to be met, but who should be doing that...and how have volunteers impacted the local resources that are already here, I'm specifically talking about human capital, but it could be broader than that too. I guess my fear is that we (as volunteers) can become blinded by our own need for fulfilling work that we lose sight of those who need help. Moreover, that our good intentions become really harmful to the people we come to know and love. This is not the first time this will be discussed in development, but I really think it can be so hard to process as a volunteer who loves people and so desperately wants to support grassroots level change.

3) So, I'm not sure how this all flows together...but all of these questions bubble around inside of me...some days I feel like it's just going to explode. Feeling like I'm a terrible person for trying to be a volunteer development worker...but at the same time really enjoying the experience I'm having--living and working right here in Nueva Suyapa. It's like a blender full of guilt and excitement, contentment, anxiety, frustration and worry.

The thing for me is, I recognize that I am learning SO much. I wrote about this in a previous post...but I really truly believe my Serving and Learning experience (SALT) is so much more about the learning...and I love that. I'm learning about this context where I live; how to use my educational background to be useful; how my contribution may be one drop in the bucket; but how the 'learning' of this time is way more important than any kind of 'serving' I might hope to accomplish.

And maybe that's ok. Maybe I don't need to feel personally responsible for all of the short-term volunteers that have come before and created unhealthy dependency. It is sad, and not positive for anyone...but maybe being a volunteer in a different way is a ok. Maybe it's ok to be learning a lot and soaking up all there is to take in, in hopes of using this knowledge in the future.

So where does this leave me? I think it leaves me just as conflicted as I was at the beginning of this post...but I think I can live with that for now. Being aware of the dangers and pitfalls of being an international volunteer is healthy. It makes me more conscious of what it is I'm actually doing, and ultimately conscious of how much I'm not doing. However, I don't want that to diminish the relationships that are being built, the language skills I'm developing and the training and capacity-building that I can be a part of while I'm here. And if I'm conscious of bad development practices and can try my best to influence the organization where I'm working in small, positive ways, maybe I can work towards a goal where they won't need a volunteer here in the future. And shouldn't that be the ultimate design of a volunteer position?

Thoughts, comments, advice and prayers accepted and appreciated. I'd love to hear other's feedback on this.

And on a lighter note, a future post is on the way about my weekend trip to visit friend/fellow salter and our fun times as city girls in the country.